Wednesday, December 11, 2013

"Long Distance Loves"




Hey everyone! :) I've been meaning to write this since forever ago but between traveling, the holidays, ministry and my little 9 month old, I'm swamped! Thanks for your patience as I am tryin' to blog as much as I can!

And this blog also applies to anyone who isn't married-- not just long distance loves! :)

I'm not sure if you're aware or not, but my now husband and I were long distance for 1 year and 7 months before we got married. People think for some reason that just because you're long distance, doesn't mean that you aren't tempted. If ANYTHING, the desires BUILD up and then when you see each other, you REALLY miss one another. This is why it's even more important to stay focused on Christ while courting. I want to share a bit of our story & what we did and encourage all of you who are in relationships long distance.

Let's be real on this thing. First and foremost, both parties need to be CHRISTIANS. Ya'll have to be saved, lovin' Jesus and really live for Him. Because if you aren't then convenience will tempt you to cheat on your boyfriend or girlfriend because you have no standards. A relationship long distance CAN work if two people are willing to work at it. If your FLESH is running your life, I can assure you that it won't work out. Being long distance encourages communication because all you DO is TALK. If you hate communication & you aren't willing to put the work in, then, it most likely didn't work for you & whoever you were in a relationship with at the time. And trust me, you will need those communication skills once married. That season was totally WORTH it.

My now hubby lived in Atlanta and I lived in New York when we started courting. Due to his job, we were able to see each other on average of twice a month. When I traveled to Atlanta, I would stay in a hotel (the first 8 months) and then I stayed in his house and he stayed with a married couple for accountablity. When it was time to drop me off after we spent time together, he didn't walk me to my hotel room, he dropped me off right at the entrance. WHY put yourself in compromising situations by staying under the same roof? And please, lets stop staying under the same roof & say "we are in different rooms." What about that ONE night where you missed him or her SO much.. that you slept-walked your tail right into their bed & OOPS, while nobody was looking walked right into sex outside of marriage. Someone is always looking and that is Christ.

Let me break down cohabitation really quick because a certain famous singer said it was ok on TV to live together before marriage. It ain't biblical. Sexual immorality is condemned in about 25 passages in the New Testament. The Greek word for cohabitation is porneia, a word which includes all forms of illicit sexual intercourse. Jesus taught, "For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean'" (Mark 7:21-23).

Paul said, "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God" (1 Thess. 4:3-5).

Marriage is God's plan. Marriage provides intimate companionship for life (Gen. 2:18). It provides a context for the procreation and nurture of children (Eph. 6:1-2). And finally, marriage provides a godly outlet for sexual desire (1 Cor. 7:2).


(This is me & the now hubby when we were just courting. He would meet me right inside the entrance of the Westin. It's so cool that we now hold the Pinky Promise Conferences at the Westin. This was April of 2009!)

1 Corinthians 10:13 says:

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

What does the end of that verse say? It says "when you are tempted, He will show you a way out"-- now, God will show you a WAY out before you get into that bed. While you're on the plane to go visit. While you're thinking about what you want to do physically. While this .. or that. But YOU have a choice. So, what are you choosing in your relationship? Are you choosing to stay under the same roof? Are you choosing to place yourself in compromising situations? 

My now husband and I didn't travel together or go on vacation while we courted. For what? To stay up in a hotel room and put ourselves in every more compromising situations? We weren't married and boyfriends don't get husband privileges. My body didn't BELONG to my then boyfriend. 

We once traveled to my parents house and Cornelius flew to New York and we rented a car and drove to Michigan (17 hour trip!) We didn't stop at a hotel on the way there and Cornelius drove the ENTIRE 17 hours! As soon as we got there, I dropped him off at a hotel so he can go to sleep & I went back to my parents house. He called everyday when he was ready and I met him at the entrance of the hotel. I didn't go up to his room and "watch" a movie or "cuddle." Matter of fact, we didn't watch movies OR cuddle. Again, why would you even put yourself in those situations? One rub leads to a touch, leads to something else. We both knew our equipment worked, so why even test out something and end up feeling guilty, condemned or whatever else? 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us to "Abstain from every form of evil." Abstain defined means: To refrain from something by one's own choice. So, you have a choice to either choose God or to choose to live for satan. Stop telling me that you love Jesus if you keep that person in your bed. John 8:44 says that your father is the the devil because you love the things that he loves. What are some things that he loves?
  • Lust
  • Fornication
  • Adultery 
  • All types of evil
  • Sexual sins 
  • Tempting situations
So, the point of this blog is for you to know that yes, things can work but Christ must be in the center of it all. I would get on a plane and leave New York and know that I will get right back on the plane and return to New York with a hug only. And a church hug at that! My husband and I waited to kiss until our wedding day so there was no nothing prior to 8/14/2010. 

So, here's some practical tips of makin' things work when you're long distance. 

1. Communication is key. All you have is the phone and computer so you have to set time aside in your busy schedule to TALK and communicate. Cornelius used to work at this job where he worked 60+ hours a week and was extremely busy. Although I was very busy as well, I noticed that sometimes, we wouldn't chat everyday. It bothered me. How are you going tell me that you love me & that you want to marry me one day and you refuse to text or pick up the phone but you can post on facebook? I told him that he makes time for what is important to him and if he wants me in his life, he's going to have to make me a priority by picking up the phone, even if he is "tired." From that point in the courtship on, he called me and texted me throughout the day. Remember, that a person makes time for what is important to them.

2. Be creative! Although we didn't go to the movies together (only went 1x) we had a date night, together-- but in different cities! We found a movie that was playing at the same time and we went 
alone in our individual cities and talked about the movie afterward! 

3. Be patient. It costs money at times to set up boundaries, such as paying for a hotel room, etc. See if you can crash with friends or family nearby but make a point to not stay under the same roof, even if you've done it before. Remember, that we want God to honor our relationships and if we are gonna live this thing, we have to give 100% of our hearts to Jesus. Sex outside of marriage AND foreplay "clouds" your vision of that person. You don't see them for who they are because you're blinded by sex. So, once you stop having sex or get married-- the smoke clears & you're like... did he always walk with a limp? 

4. Purchase your flights on Tuesdays! They are always cheapest!

5. Avoid late night convos! We refused to talk on the phone super late because if we stay on the phone all night long, we will be too tired to get up and pray the next day & function at work. We refused to be a distraction to each other! So, we made a point to talk to each other as soon as we got off work and then again after dinner. 

6. Set boundaries and KEEP them when you're traveling to different states to meet one another. I know you missed each other but running and jumping and "bear" hugging each other ... well, can I be honest? You will naturally feel each others goodies through that hug & you may want more? Don't front like you don't know! :) 

7. Guard your heart. Make sure that you don't have people in your ear talking crazy about sex outside of marriage or "your relationship won't work" when you KNOW for a fact that it's God. I actually had a friend tell me that my now husband "wasn't" the one because he was a leader & she was used to me leading my past relationships. Needless to say, we aren't friends anymore. We got married & became one, so if you don't like my hubby, you don't like me. 

8. Get my husband's book, "So, You Want To Be Married?"-- seriously. At the end of the book, there's over 200+ questions that you should ask each other "Before you Say I Do." We asked each other those questions on that 17 hour trip from NYC to Michigan. So, if it seems like you want MORE to talk about, start there. You will ask each other questions like, "What is your Purpose", to "How important is sex within marriage" or "How do you plan on raising your children," or "Describe your upbringing what you would do differently with your children."

9. Trust the God in him or her. The cool thing about being long distance is that you have NO choice but to really trust that person. So, settle in your heart that they are God's best (after GOD has showed you) and that you will simply believe the best, even if you cannot get in touch with them after a few hours. 

10. Surprise each other!! I remember a time where Cornelius was super hungry and mentioned that he was in a bunch of meetings that day. So, I ordered food, paid for it and had it delivered to him. And vice versa! He would send me flowers to work or write me poems, etc. So, surprise each other with little things like letters, care packages and whatever else! 

11. Bonus: Take turns visiting each other. One person doesn't want to feel like they're putting in ALL of the effort to make the relationship work. Both sides must sacrifice in order to make the relationship work! But remember, boundaries, boundaries & more boundaries when ya'll do see other!

If I can be totally transparent, being long distance made me love & appreciate my now husband even more because I remember those days where I had to get back on a plane and go back to New York. Now, I get to see him daily! Not only that, we both work from home together all day and we travel 50% out of every month! Since we've been married, we've been to over 100 states & countries together! It's almost like God said, "ok, you want to honor me while courting & you refuse to go on vacations together.. now you're married & you honored me.. let me honor you."

Remember, that it's all temporary. One day, you will get married and wake up to each other every single day. So don't fret. 

And if things didn't work out with someone long distance, don't let it turn you off from trying to work things out with someone else. The difference is this: Your commitment to Christ. If you're both focused on Him-- you're on the same page going towards ONE goal, which is pleasing HIM. So, it's going to take some extra sacrifice & work, but you're marrying someone not that you can live WITH, but someone you cannot LIVE without.. even if they are a few states away. So, if you know that person is RIGHT, don't let your emotions from NOT seeing each other make you feel like "this isn't going to work." Instead, develop THROUGH those emotions & give that care to God. That person cannot fix you, only Christ can do that. 

Just a few things:

1. I  opened up a Pinky Promise Boutique!!! Think modest, fashionable, affordable clothes for women! Check it out via www.pinkypromiseboutiques.com

2. We have developed an APP! Think: daily post notifications + weekly devotionals, recipes and so much more! It's out NOW for iphones + Androids. Under Heather & Cornelius Lindsey: Today With the Lindsey's

3.  If you live in Atlanta, I want to invite you to our church. Join us on Sundays at 11:00am at Landmark Art Cinemas. Our churches name is: "The Gathering Oasis"  931 Monroe Drive NE Atlanta, GA.

4. My book is selling like crazy! I'm so thankful for all of you that have supported! Check it out here: My New Book! Pink Lips & Empty Hearts:  www.PinkLipsAndEmptyHearts.com AND my new book, "A Perfect Recipe" here!

5. Register for the 2014 Pinky Promise in Atlanta, GA! It sold out last year, so you don't want to miss out!www.pinkypromiseconference.com

6. As always, you can join a Pinky Promise group locally! There's about 17,000 ladies that have joined! Find a group near you by joining & checking out the intro page! Join here:www.PinkyPromiseMovement.com


God loves you like crazy,
Heather Lindsey








24 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for this. You have a gift to reach and teach. Please continue Mrs. Lindsey on blessing others. You are such a good and faithful servant. Thank you again.

    P

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  2. Wow and I thought I was the only one. Its funny my husband and I lasted 8 months in a distance relationship. I was in Puerto Rico and he was in North Carolina. We use to visit each other every 3 months until we finally got married. God Bless Love, Marriage and Trusting God.

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  3. Thank you for this! It is a great guide to follow whether in a long-distance relationship or not! :)

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  4. This blog was such a blessing!!!! I'm sitting here thinking like wow they really did this and they didn't do that lol. But I'm hoping that one day I will have the strength and the right mind set to court like this. You showed me that it is possible and to still please God. Thanks so much for sharing.

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  5. This was awesome! I think the guy I'm in a relationship with now is the one but I keep trying to find things! Just working on my issues! Praying constantly! He sure matches up with my list of things I prayed & asked God for!!! I always get something from what you Share. He needs to read this as well Lol I'm realizing my story doesn't have to be & won't be exactly like yours but it will still be amazing! Thx so much for sharing! Your. Family Portrait is absolutely ADORB!!! GOD BLESS!!!!

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  6. It's so funny how i can totally relate to alot of these points you made. The only exception is we don't really talk everyday. We've watched netflix together at the same time.lol... But i completely agree as far as boundaries go. As i'm reading all these i'm like yes that's us. Yep! Yep! One thing that truly encourages me with our long distance relationship is the impact that it makes on my mom and others. I'm very open with my christian friends so it inspires them to wait ton God's timing. I'm honored that even my relationship glorifies Christ.

    Thank for sharing :-)

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  7. Thanks for this wonderful message, God bless you and your family. Merry christmas!

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  8. Normally Don't comment. But I love, love, love this! I've had 3 failed long distance relationships ending with the same sad song. The guy couldn't handle the distance. I am single now and super cool with waiting on God's best while staying busy :-). Thanks Heather!

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  9. I never comment but I sincerely appreciate this post and just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write it. I've been in a long distance relationship for over 5 years and it's great to see a POSITIVE post on long distance relationships. Usually i see things stating it isn't good to be in one. And although my boyfriend and I have been in the long haul with our long distance, we both read this blog and have found it extremely beneficial! Thanks and God Bless!

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  10. Someone pls reply. I need help! I've been fornicating with the guy I'm dating. We both call ourselves "christians"...but obviously we aren't. What attracted me to him was his love for God..but as soon as we started dating all changed. I sometimes feel like it was all my fault. Or maybe it was all a lie in the first place. Also we always talk about changing and not sinning but end up in the same place. Is it wise to stay together and change or just break up for good?.

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    1. Dear i have been attracted to guys because of their love for God but i discovered that was just a cover up, any one that claims to love God and make you sin or want to sin against God Please you need to break it off focus on God and he will bring that right man that will realize that it should always be God first regardless of your own desires. Lets face the truth you have been trying to change together and it is not working. You need to break it off and go back to God that is the way dear

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    2. I like how you've began your question.."I've been fornicating..." What's the biblical solution for that? Stopping it. How do you do that? Fleeing the situation..which includes genuine repentance which includes, breaking it off and getting accountability.

      Like you've mentioned, it's easy to get stuck in shame and embarrassment and guilt-tripping back and forth..all the while doing nothing intentional about the situation.

      But God has so much for you! Reach out and walk it out.

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    3. Hi precious daughter of God, please know that you are ABLE to do EVERYTHING with Christs' help. Your situation is NOT HOPELESS and there is a way out if you are TOTALLY WILLING TO BE FREE. I am praying that God clear your mind. Sometimes we don't even realize how "people, places, and things" can keep us from loving God wholeheartedly, God will make things clear. Based on what you are telling me, I believe that it would be absolutely wise to break up for a time. But you have to SEEK GOD'S OPINION ON THE MATTER and do not listen to your flesh.
      When I am confused about something, I do what a college friend recommended---- I leave the situation/person alone for a few days, fast (no tv/facebook/secular music/youtube/etc), and seek God's face---100% worship soaking music, and prayer, bible study, christian books, practicing God's presence, ETC (basically, heaven on earth). Then you get clarity. Perfect clarity. And you don't even realize how clouded your judgement has been until you have fasted and been in God's presence----ALONE AWAY FROM ALL DISTRACTIONS. God may you pull away from my sister everything that is pulling her away from you. Draw her into you. Amen.

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  11. I'm from South Africa, your blog has been indeed a blessing iv been single for about 5 years now i made a vow that i will wait upon the Lord and while im waiting im going to serve him...your blog strengthens me in the choice i have made!God bless.

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  12. I was one which I ended up breaking the relationship because all we could talk about was sex and I ended up feeling guilty cuz you know what happens afterwards. I gave myself fully to God and devoted myself to Him and so far, am loving on Him more as He prepares me for my future hubby.

    Thank God for letting you share this.

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  13. Omg, this is so inspiring, especially the part where you explain that you honored God and now He honors you! Thank you and I love you Heather!

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  14. Heather Heather Heather! You kinda remind me of Heidi Baker....

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  15. I praise God for your unique gift in sharing your life and obstacles you have overcome. Your so humble, I always have felt really courtship should be done that way but I allowed the longing for a relationship, a husband to help navigate me from biblical principles settling with men who had or did not really have relationships with Christ. I have been blessed as a new member of the Pinky Promise and thank God for leading me to the ministy.

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  16. I'm currently courting long distance. And I must say it's the most intimate relationship I've ever been in. For one, we talk about everything. Communication is def not a problem for us. And two it makes it easier to deal with any type of temptation physically.

    However we did venture down the physical Avenue because it's what we'd been user to in our past relationships, but it just didn't feel right. We both desire to please God and guilt is an understatement. We ignored God's wishes because of what the norm. We talked about it and decided we were going to go back to what we know as true and not engage in any physical activity, together.

    We are both actively devoted to seeking Christ and in doing that it's bringing us closer. We can have open devotions together and openly express what we're doing to for God's Kingdom. It's great to know you have support in your significant other that wants to see you be all that you can be for Christ as well and isn't willing to lead you down any road that compromises your eternity.

    To know someone else did it long distance is very inspiring.

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  17. Hi. I have a long distance relationship. He is from Chile, and I’m from Spain. (almost 11.500 km / 7.145,7 miles apart) We met on youtube, I uploaded a video and he saw it, he sent me one message with his facebook and skype, and I added him. This happened 21 January 2011. We became friends and we talked every day. I remember the first time I heard his voice. I was speechless. Since that moment, I’ve loved his voice, and his laugh. He was so nice and sweet since the first time we talked.
    On 3rd May 2011, we decided to take a step on our relationship and become boyfriend and girlfriend. This is the best choice of my life. We’ve been together since that day, almost 3 years now. We haven’t met yet. We have no money to travel to each other’s country.
    I have no friends, I thought I had, but when we started our relationship, they decided they didn’t want to be friends with me.. They hated my boyfriend so much. My parents don’t want me to go and meet him, because they know that if all goes well, I’ll never come back here. So they don’t want to help me.
    I did this on a moment of extreme need of a kiss, a hug, a look into his eyes.. Extreme need of him. It’s an extreme situation. I’ve would never do this if this wasn’t at that point when I don’t even know if I’ll be able to see him someday..

    If you can, please, share my story and this link to see if anyone can help me… I’ll be so thankful, with you and anyone that helps me.

    http://www.gofundme.com/5xxrpc

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  18. I am in long distance relationship with my partner from last 2 years initially there were issues we were facing but later on we work on it and now i am enjoying being a long distance relationship. I think few effort is needed to be taken when you are in long distance relationship.

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  19. So Inspiring. Im in a loooong distance relationship UK-USA,its amazing to be a part off and your right communication is KEY! Ill be in the US in August :)

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  20. After google search "long distance relationship christian" found this and i appreciate so much of this! Thank you! And tried to find your email, because i could totally ask you some stuff. I have nobody to ask this. But i understand if you are a busy person :) But do let me know if you have an email i could write to. :)

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  21. This is so inspiring, looking forward to read more blog post!

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