Monday, June 25, 2012

"Why He Won't Marry You"



So, I've seen so many worldly blogs and articles on this subject, I figured I would clear it all up and talk to you like your sister in Christ.
Maybe you're single, or dating someone and you want to get married. But homeboy is taking forever. Your girlfriend probably told you that you need to give a certain "look", flirt around, "put yourself out there", go online & date or whatever else. WHY he won't marry you is for so many reasons, including your PROTECTION.

So, let's jump right into this.

1. He's not 100% sold on you. For him, there may be a ton of other fishes in the sea and he's not totally sold on you. So he'll drag you along forever without giving you a ring and telling you that you need to be "this" or "that" before he marries you. It's all based in some stupid condition. Lets all be clear-- you can lose everything 2 days after you get married so it can't be based on some material or condition. Marriage is supposed to last forever.

2. The non-committed. This non-committer knows that he's a "good" catch so he's not going to totally commit to you because as his career, degree or whatever else grows.. he needs to make sure that you're good enough to go where he's going (or good arm-candy). Which is sad again-- and based on a ton of conditions. If he doesn't see the amazing in you, help his way to the door & wave goodbye.

3. Free milk. Are you giving them' goodies up? WHY would he run & marry you if you are giving him all your goodies, playing house, sleeping with him.. as you cook, clean and do his laundry. I mean.. why would he need to get a marriage license when you do all of those things with your maiden name?

4. God's timing. Well, you weren't supposed to wake "up" this Adam-- and he's a random. God is really closing this door. You're sad, trying to MAKE it work and everything else.. but it just is NOT working and.. you wished that it would. You try to do everything he wants you to do & please him but no matter what, God still closes your little relationship door.

5. The Visionary. This guy.. wants his career 100% together, and all of his ducks totally in LINE before he thinks about marriage and a family. He doesn't want to take on the responsibility of YOU if.. he feels like his career hasn't jumped off. My question to  him would be.. "WHO IS YOUR SOURCE?!" If you know that you're supposed to be together, been courting for awhile.. stop waiting for money to come in to help your decision. PAINT your picture together. Again, what happens if you lose your job as soon as you get back from the honeymoon? So you waited FOREVER, played around, rubbed, touched, dishonored God while dating.. finally got the job.. got married and lost it all. It's WORLDLY. That whole mind-set is of the WORLD. We are to be led by GOD daily so if God showed you your girl, marry her already & figure it out & grow together.

6. Sorta-Christian. This man isn't totally sold on God & sure isn't being led by Him. I'm not even sure why you would wanna marry this fool but I have to put this in. This guy doesn't understand the marriage between Christ & His Church or "dying" to yourself so he's selfish. He says, " I aint ready to get married", goes to the club, looks at women's behinds everytime they walk by. This guy is carnal and is vocal about not wanting to marry you. Please, let him go already.

7. The Married Man. Yup, Had to put this one in-- he may not marry you because he is STILL legally married to his WIFE. This man is on the rebound & searching for someone to affirm him again and get what he couldn't get from his wife. He could be going back & forth with his first wife.. messing with her & you. IF you wanna court this man.. he needs some time to himself after the divorce to get whole. Period. Don't be his little void-filler.

8. Flirt. The flirt won't marry you because he craves the attention of so many other women.. just getting it from you would be boring. So, he'll end up married at about 40 or 50 because by then it will get old. He likes the idea of communicating to you with no commitment & pretending like something will be there that never will be.

9. The Baby-Daddy. Homeboy has like 5 kids by 5 different baby mamas. I'm not clear on why you think he'll marry you but he didn't marry them? Please. Move on.

10. The Liar. This man wouldn't marry you because he's so busy lying to you & everyone else while holding a secret life as a down-low brother, with other women, at strip clubs while up in the church, Praising the Lord. He's torn with his life and cannot figure out how to really give his whole heart to Christ so he lives this lie. He is not confident in leading you because he doesn't believe he's really led by God.

So.. how do we avoid the above? WHEN we spend TIME with God daily, HE shows us the hearts of ALL men (including YOURSELF & where YOU need to change). The thing is, we have to start LISTENING to when GOD is leading & guiding our lives!! At some point, we have to start doing OUR part. Let's start now. Cut off any of the above. Get quiet before God & whole. You don't wanna marry the above, you want to marry God's best for YOU. Sometimes, we stick around.. hoping that they will change. Don't marry an expectation that you can change someone because you cannot. THEY have to want to change & you may wait a lifetime for that to happen.

Praying for you.

God loves you like crazy,

Heather Lindsey

52 comments:

  1. Omg, #5 pertains to me. My GOD! Right on point, the same words right out my mouth!

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  2. haha, i have encountered a few of these. thank you for the eye-opener!!! :)

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  3. #5.. WOW.. I was JUST thinking about this HARD this morning. Praise God for confirmation. I don't want to dishonor Him.

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  4. You're steppin' on some toes with #10, Heather....lol....but it needs to be said.

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  5. Thanks Heather! Really appreciate your constant encouragement.

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  6. Im not currently dating anyone, but the DESIRE is pressing heavily... So thank you tons for this..Definitely gives a check to the guys trying to pursue me.. AND if another married man even asks for my number, I think I'm going to go postal. What is it with men? Tend your own grass... as HL would say... #POW

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  7. Hi Heather,

    I'm not really to sure that I am clear about what you are saying about number 5.

    Are you saying that a man doesn't necessarily have to have a job if he is unclear about what he wants to do yet but knows he wants to marry you?

    Or that a man should at least have a job and not necessarily a career if he wants to marry you?

    Im just asking because the consensus that is typically universal throughout most christian views/denominations is that the man should at least be able to provide for his household and have a vision/plan. I also know most pastors won't even marry a couple if the man has been unemployed for a long time as it would not be exercising proper wisdom. Granted there are some exceptions, but this isn't typically the case.

    I also understand that he does not have to be making big bucks or anything and there is the possibility that he can lose his job but that he should at least be proving before the time of marriage that he will be responsible and willing to provide for his household as the Lord mandates by working and holding a steady job. Any clarity on your end would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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    1. Hey love!
      I DO think it's important that a man can PROVE that he can provide for his new bride. If he's been employed forever.. is lazy, with NO vision & refuses to work.. he doesn't need a help-meet to help him sit on the couch. I'm just saying that it shouldn't be our #1 focus in a marriage. My husband had a steady position for 4 years when we got married & yes-- it HELPED! Past relationships where my exes couldn't hold a job for nothin' scared me! So yes, your guy should have a vision & be working towards that vision as God as his provider! :)

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    2. Heather you have a point. A man having a job should not be our focus. If he has been working all along then maybe he got laid off right before he met you. Then that's a hard working brother right there and give him a chance. When I met my husband he had just lost his job. 6 months down the line of no success with a job he proposed with no ring of cause i said yes. I loved this guy dearly and i believed in God to make a way. Mind you as he was searching for a job he would get once in a while gig for lawning or even house cleaning. He was not picky. When he proposed every one told me not to marry him till he got a job and put a ring on my figure. Anyway I didn't listern to people. As we planned our wedding I had no money and I had just been laid off. Months passedby with no sign of any marriage happening but we didn't lose hope. After one year of his proposal. This man of God that we didn't know and he told both of us to set our wedding date. Mind you, he didn't know us. Anyway we went ahead and set out wedding date. Guess what the following week my husband got multiple job offers. He eneded up choosing one and I also got a full time job. And guess what we eneded up having our dream wedding with all expenses paid for. So ladies all am saying is that give our brothers some chances and trust in God. Above all listern to our God coz he is our provider

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  8. Thank you, it is good to know that I am on the right path and let it go when I did.

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  9. The whole truth in this blog!!! Thank you Heather!

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  10. Not in a relationship right now but will look out for and AVOID the above. Thanks! ;-)

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  11. How do you cut off your baby daddy when things are peaceful (no court orders) but you know your heart is still there? But you talk everyday regarding the child.

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    1. I think if you continue to simply make your conversation and interaction with Him SOLELY about the child, and ask the Holy Spirit to help you do this while yu tell ya emotions to shut up when they try to take yu where yu shouldn't be... Yu can do it!!! And spending time with God will also help you deal with those old emotions... I pray yu succeed:)

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  12. Give us more girl! I love your posts.... What if we struggle with hearing Gods voice?

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    1. Hey love!
      I blogged about that here:

      http://heatherllindsey.blogspot.com/2012/04/how-to-hear-gods-voice.html

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  13. As a man ill be honest marrige is not all what ppl make it to be majority of my friends are married and they live with regrets till this day, I've read your blog and most of it is true I'm 29 no kids no wife I am very handsome an I am addicted to women in a respectful way its so many beautiful women in the world to jus settle for one let's be real now a days there are more divorces due to non financial stability and cheating.. whats funny to me ppl lie about how happy they are with there spouse when actually their crying inside wearing a mask..

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    1. I don't know about who you know-- but my marriage is amazing! Yes, we go through things but when you're living for Christ-- you move on & do what you have to do! Other humans shouldn't be your example for marriage-- Christ & His church should be.

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    2. ... I agree w/ some of what you're saying. But there are some really lovely married couples out there,working through their issues as a unit...thats what I love...not running away when stuff falls apart,but holding it together...together!! God loves relationships...@ Heather Yes and amen!

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  14. Truuuuuu!!! Always right on time Heather. Thanks sista!

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  15. #7 just dealt with this and i almost fell into his trap!! He told me i could be his side dip because he wasnt happy with his fiance/baby mama, now they are married!! smh Thank god i didnt get too far gone bc Lord know what wouldve happened! God bless you heather for this post and may He continue to lead you!

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  16. So encouraging Heather, my sister in Christ. I literally was just praying to God this morning to give me a greater discernment about the men that try to talk to me. I also asked that in this single season that he would ONLY give me dove eyes for HIM and that I will find my identity in HIM alone and not some man or random.

    Thanks love! Your beautiful inside and out.

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  17. As usual a timely word! Love you Heather!

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  18. Hi Heather! I've been praying about the guy in my life who does fit a couple of the above categories. And I know that I cannot change him into the person that I want him to become, but he is my best friend. I know deep in my heart that I have to let him go, but I don't know how. Do I tell him the problem? Do I simply cut off all communication? He is honestly too good of a guy to hurt in that way. How do I let him go so that I can let God take control of the situation?

    Thanks!

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  19. Love your blogs, posts, and encouragement!! Such a blessing!

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  20. This was right on time! I watched TV last night, which I rarely do and I watched love and hip hop atl. Those women need help, but at the same time I saw myself in a similar siutation, so who am I to judge right. I really appreciate this post and realize that my future husband will come at the right time....I could go on and on, but thanks for this post!

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  21. Wow I just broke up with #10. He was saved and claimed he wanted to marry me. I recently found out that he might not have even been divorced from his first wife when we started dating. I was devastated & I'm still praying to get over it. What makes it even more difficult for me is that I am 38 and I've never been married, no kids, and although I've been in a long term relationship before, the man was not saved. I really believed that this man was placed in my life by God because he is saved; I had prayed for God to reveal to me if he was not. So now a year later I know the truth. I know that God has rescued me but it still hurts. It is difficult at this age when people ask you crazy questions and talk about you because you're close to 40 and you've never been married. My grandmother even asked me if I was a lesbian once when I was younger because I wasn't dating, ridiculous. I'm glad I found your blog; just came across it last week actually. I'm working on placing my focus on Jesus and trying to stay in faith that it's not too late for me to meet my Adam. God bless!

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  22. yes i have had my fair share with the "flirt" random smh

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  23. You can't assume that #7 is somehow the wife's fault. I'm saying that because I'm the wife. In my case, he lies and flirts and pretends to be a sorta-Christian. It doesn't matter what I do. He wants someone to take care of him while he goes out to play.

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    1. My heart breaks for you. I couldn't imagine. I am praying for you & suggest that you do the "Love Dare" on him. Its an amazing book.

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  24. Def have entertained several of these type of men. Thank God I don't entertain foolishness anymore. Sometimes you can do bad and better by yourself until God awakes your Adam. Good post once again.

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  25. This blog is such a blessing! We all know certain things but, sometimes we just need to hear them and see them put in another perspective. Thank you for such an inspirational blog. Everything that you blog about, there is a scripture that can go hand and hand with it! Keep the blogs coming! I have a poetic blog and I post inspirational poems; please feel free to check it out, join and follow; http://ohpumpsrock.blogspot.com/ !

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  26. Very insightful! Thank you!

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  27. To GOD be the Glory! Heather straight ripped this post my GOD! It's nothing BUT the truth! I recently decided to end a relationship that was dead and without direction nor purpose! God has only the best for me! NO RANDOMS over here, I'm so blessed and highly favored!

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  28. Thank you for being led by God to post these truths. I've been single for 5 years, learning to find myself in Christ all over again. Placing HIS strength over my weakness, I've finally learned to not settle for several of these descriptors. It's not easy, but only when I try to resist do I fall. I will continue to allow the joy of the Lord to be my strength and surround myself with the right truths.

    I've mentioned you in my blog as well! Thank you and God bless

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  29. I enjoy your blog. How come you never address women's confidence and self-worth? The fact that women are willing to settle for any of the items above to me seems like a woman struggling with who she is in Christ. I remind myself each day how awesome in Christ I am. I remind myself that God has uniquely created and purposed me. I'm HIS best. He hasn't short-changed me in my life, my education, my career -- why would he do it in any relationship? My future husband was hand-crafted by God specifically to love me. (Think about it like the real deal versus a knock off. Even if you can fake out others around you, at the end of the day, you know/knew the truth when.you.first.saw.it! There are always tell-tell signs of a knock off. But we compare and rationalize and assess how we might be able to pull it off and fool people - even ourselves. The sad part is, if we're patient and diligent, with time, God is ALWAYS faithful to provide HIS BEST!) Think of all the things you love about yourself, don't like, or have had to learn to love, and understand that God has already made someone for you to love it all. Think about the fire and passion God has placed in you, and understand that your husband has to have twice that in order to lead you! I want for women to stop get{ting} it together and just get there.

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    1. Hey!
      Have you checked out all my blogs? I def address confidence & I don't teach on self-worth because its selfish & wrapped up in US. I teach on trusting God & finding our value in HIM alone.

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  30. I'm not in a relationship right now, but I see a bit of the "visionary" in myself. I mentioned to God this morning that I don't even bother to pray about marriage or anything regarding it (such as guidance to find the right man, wisdom in our relatioship, my future husband's well-being, etc), because were I to get married, it wouldn't be until this and that happened with my job/career/grad school/finances, which is no time soon as far as I'm concerned, so why bother? But really, even if everything in my life seemed to be going well, job, finances, relationship, whatever, anything could happen and I always need to lean on God and look towards him. You should never get to a point where you feel like you can handle everything completely on your own and that God doesn't play an active role in your life.

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  31. Very good read! Thanks for sharing!

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  32. Very good read! Thank you for sharing encouraging words to us! Good to see a Christian woman living the life she preaches about!

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  33. God bless you! These blog posts make me want to run to Jesus even harder and all the more. Off I go :-)

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  34. Heather!, Awesome stuff. thank you :-)

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  35. So much wisdom, I am so happy that God is using you to prepare me! Amen

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