Thursday, April 5, 2012

"How to Identify a RANDOM"



So I get this question a TON! So I figured it would be a good idea to just give you so me basics.. of how to recognize a RANDOM. Yeah, I'm giving you some practical tips but you have to make sure that you're spending time with God daily (I blogged about it here) & letting Him lead your life. PEACE should rule as an empire in your heart daily.

If you're new to what  "RANDOM" is-- let's define it, A Random is defined as a person you KNOW you'll never marry but you date them to fill a void because you're lonely or bored. A random is that ex boyfriend that is still trying to EMOTIONALLY connect with you and you're married. A random is a co-worker that is switching' all hard in your face trying to get your attention. A random is a unhealthy relationship. This could also go for friendships as well. It's that person you KNOW is messy & gossips about everyone..but you still hang around them. If they're talking about others, they're talking about YOU. It's that friend that says, "girlll, you better get it-- he got money"-- or that guy that says "lets hit the strip club tonight.." I also introduced a "No Randoms" pinky promise bracelet as a fun reminder to tell them to get' outta' here! :) You can get one here.

Another disclaimer: NO man or woman is perfect, so get that fantasy out of your head. If you want a fairytale, watch a Disney movie. PEOPLE will have things that they need to work on. However, you should have standards and deal breakers.

But specifically for this blog-- we'll focus on No Randoms in a relationship. These could go for MEN or WOMEN.

How to Identify a Random 101

1. The Wrong Timing Random- this random says... I think that you're PERFECT for me.. but it's just the wrong TIME. What this really means is.. I have so many options & I'm not sure which one to choose. If I go with you, I'm afraid that I'll miss out on all these other people. So if I emotionally string you along, you'll think that there will always be a chance.. that we'll end up together. Then, when you end up getting into a relationship-- I'll act mad but secretly, I didn't care about you. I was on to the next one a long time ago. This kind of random is never satisfied. They love attention and crave it from people in general. RUN from this random. You'll look up and they'll end up married to someone else. THEY NEVER WANTED YOU. IF THEY DID.. they would have pursued you.. God's way.

2. Commitment Probe Random- This random HATES commitment. They'll date you but as soon as you get "too close" for their comfort, they'll RUN. They have been hurt so much in their past that the thought of committing to someone their whole life scares them. OR they'll date you for 10 years and it will never be the "right" time to get engaged. They'll make excuses forever until you get sick & tired & give them a deadline. COURT with a purpose. Everything and everybody needs to have some type of PURPOSE in your life. IF they have no purpose.. they gotta go. 

3. Charming Random- This random.. is a CHARMER. They make everyone feel good about themselves. They have a way with words, has "swag", can dress, is usually the popular kid and is a big time FLIRT. Dating this random will put you in positions where you're often telling them to STOP talking to other people of the opposite sex in the way that they do. You'll argue about their many friends of the opposite sex & they just won't ever get the memo. They'll blame you as they continue to flirt with the entire world & roll their eyes at you. They will eventually despise you because you'll never accept their need for attention and the attention you give them.. is not enough. 

4. Clinging Random- This random.. loves to make you their god. That's a strong word, right? Well, this random does EVERYTHING for you. Cooks, cleans, stays the night often, wants to be with you 24-7, calls you the second they have any issue and pretty much replaces YOU with God. I mean, why do they need God if they have YOU who responds to their many emotional needs? They REFUSE to finally give God their heart and blame you & everyone else for their unhappiness. God is VERY clear in Exodus 20:3-- "there should be NO other God but Me." If that PERSON wants to be FIRST to God-- they have to GO. This random is also really controlling because they feel like you are all they have. Remember, don't BE a void filler. That's God's responsibility. These relationships end with a ton of screaming, crying & drama.

5. Random with a trillion chicks or guys- Yeah, you know. Its the guy or girl that has a little black book of people from Elementary that they can just reach out to at will that will fill their little emotional and sexual needs. Is it right? Heck no! But they end up falling for you... and find it way to hard to really commit to just one person. So you become their main squeeze with a plethora of other side chicks or guys. You have to sneak around and look at their cell phones and Facebook page messages often because they just cannot be trusted. They feel like they have SO many options.. they cannot just possible settle with you. Let's all be clear-- this random needs some time ALONE to get whole with GOD before they try to get into a relationship with YOU.

6. Sorta Random Christian- This random.. goes to church on Sunday but is at the club on Saturday night. They sleep around, curse, dress half naked and refuse to change their life. This person wears the title of a Christian but NOTHING about their life identifies that they really trust God & that they live for Him. This random will PULL you off the chair and CONFUSE you because they were just at church with you.. praying in tongues and then right after church.. they are trying to pull off your clothes behind clothes doors.  This random isn't completely sold that God's way is the best way so they work real hard & try to figure out their life & call it God but in all honesty.. God has NOTHING to do with it. RUN from this random quickly. You need to see some FRUIT in their life & some standards before you kick it with them.

7. Play-House Random- This Random wants you to stay the night 24-7, cook, clean, call you "wifey" or "hubby" but refuses to propose. This person wants to sleep with you, make a ton of babies and pretend to be married but not really commit to you. They want all the benefits of marriage and quickly tell you.. "things are perfect-- why do we need to change it with a piece of paper-- we know in our "hearts" we're married"-- FAIL. HUSBANDS get HUSBAND treatment and BOYFRIENDS get BOYFRIEND treatment. Same goes for girlfriend treatment. I'm jus saying'. 

8. Immature Random- This random.. is so immature it drives you nuts. They REFUSE to change and they blame everything on you and everyone that hurt them since they were 5. They refuse to take ANY responsibility for any of the arguments and when you tell them what you want in a relationship, they refuse to meet your needs. They're selfish. This random will drive you nuts because you just want them to really see themselves and grow up already. If you're dating one of these.. you'll develop greatly in patience. If they're a good guy or girl, just stay on your face before God & let Him work on them. Respond in love.

9. Critical Random- This random crushes all of your ideas and visions. They don't believe ANY of the passions in your heart and think you're crazy. If you hang around the long enough-- you'll begin to believe the lie and  your confidence will drop significantly. YOUR job is never good enough for this random. They want you to be a doctor or something.. anything BUT what you're doing now. Your job values you to this random.  They'll try to change EVERYTHING about your look because you need to make them look good .. so you're too skinny, too fat, too this too that. They tell you it's because they care for you.. but in all honestly, they don't believe in you. Lets all be clear, you have enough issues to deal with in this world, you don't need to be with someone that doesn't respect you & really LISTEN & love you. 

10. Ex-Relationship Random- This random is your ex boo. You've been on & off forever & you still sleep together every now & then. You know that you aren't supposed to be together but you're torn. You know they ain't no good but you want to feel good about yourself & your lonely. This random fills your little voids. So when you want to feel pretty or not deal with your emotions, you call each other. But deep down, you know it's over. You had nothing in common and you GREW apart because you fit each others DYSFUNCTION. SO STOP RUNNING BACK TO THAT EX. You want to know how to get free? Finally make the decision and CUT THEM OFF. Guard your heart.. Proverbs 4:23.

These randoms want you to miss them, text them, call them, Facebook them.. for they have planted seeds to wheel you in. They planted seeds in YOU and so many others. So if you really want to know, you're not the only ONE.  You see, a random finds value in their many options and they like attention and wish that they can take bits and pieces of people and make one. They aren't satisfied with JUST you alone.. if they were, they would have committed to you & figured it out.

 THE PERSON THAT GOD HAS FOR YOU WILL MEASURE UP!!!!! It's vital that we don't RUN to these randoms for fulfillment that ONLY comes from GOD alone. YES, God can change the above randoms and as I said before-- these are examples. You could be in a relationship with someone who is a bit immature, but he's growing and changing and you believe that God led you to that relationship. Great. Lets all remember that our focuses.. cannot be on "getting us a man or a woman"-- our eyes must stay on Christ. Don't let these little distractions KEEP you from doing what God is calling you to do. And yes, a relationship can wipe you out. 

That man or woman should PUSH you towards Christ.. not away from Him.

God loves you like CRAZY,


Heather Lindsey



(photoshoot from this past weekend by Hope Ballenger! She's an AMAZING Photographer! Check her out  (http://www.hopebphoto.com

40 comments:

  1. Let me just say, yay for no randoms! I think these things are common sense guides that people often ignore because they need that void filled. Thanks for sharing this! Sometimes seeing is believing and I know this will be a wake up call and reminder for everyone!

    XO Kelley
    http://www.keepsittingpretty.blogspot.com

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  2. Great read Heather! As always :) ... Randoms was something I use to struggle with, but thanks be to God I've been set free from the vicious cycle! What it came down to for me was my self worth! See I was one of those chicks who would use men to fill my voids or temporarily ease my loneliness or mask the anger and bitterness towards God! But when it came down to it I had to face the music and deal with my issues! It had been instilled in me for years what my worth was and what great things I was called to do for the kingdom of God and that weighed on my conscience daily! Not only that, God was perusing me, he was pulling me! Relationships would end in silly ways that I knew was God's doing. So I finally surrendered my all once and for all and I haven't looked back since. I desire to be married some day but it's not my priority. Falling in love with Jesus is, fulfilling his will for my life is. I thank God for the deliverance cuz many others didn't make it out!

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  3. Heather & Kelley -

    Definitely a good "common sense" guide! So easy to remember yet hard to forget, especially when we're in that situation of Mr. "Wonderful" (NOT) trailing us.

    We always need this reminder & encouraging community. Thanks for being a lovely piece of God's workmanship Heather!

    - ASHLEE CHU
    www.ashleechublog.com
    www.twitter.com/ashleechu

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  5. This is such great information, now what we kind of felt in our hearts is in black and white and can't be ignored. No more excuse.....no randoms! Heather you are such an awesome vessel of the Lord. Praise Good!

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  6. I used to be that number 4... I'm so glad God delivered me from this mess and HEALED ME... Now, I refuse to SETTLE .. My relationship with God is the most PRECIOUS thing, and no 'random' can ever replace that.

    Thank You so much for this post, and I pray God continue to bless and use you for His Glory.

    With Love, Lily

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  7. Another wonderful post Heather! It made me really think about some of the "randoms" I have dealt with in my past, but also how I was a "random" in some ways myself before changing my life and deciding to live better in my walk with God. I had to forgive and forget the past hurts that made me not want to fully commit after dedicating five years of my life to a random who never had any intentions of marrying me. I found myself in this pattern of running away if someone became too close out of fear of repeating the same mistake. Thank God for healing me and showing me the lesson in that difficult season. God sees all and prepares us for His best! Which isn't a random! :-)

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  8. Love this blog! I'm praying for you and your husband's ministries Heather. Thanks for sharing His truth to us!

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  9. Heather,

    I absolutely love this!

    We have three boys (19, 17, 14)and one girl(12). We have taught them since they were little to pray for your spouse!

    My oldest son is in college now and you would be shocked at how many young woman are actually looking for that "Random" guy, and they themselves are playing the role of that "Random" girl!

    Many blessings to you as you continue to reach out and bless these young women of God, and enabling to see their value and worth!

    ~Marlo

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  10. Wow, I love this post! Completely awesome.

    http://epicrealist.blogspot.com/
    http://curlsofinnocence.blogspot.com/

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  11. This is great. I would love to repost this on my blog http://theaudblog.blogspot.com/

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  12. This post is BEYOND awesome. Thank you so much. You have reaffirmed some things for me. Funny how I came across your blog and Twitter page shortly after a break up and making the decision to be celibate until marriage. God's timing is always RIGHT. Between studying the Word more and more and getting insights from you, I feel so confident that I'm finally moving in the right direction and I'm excited for what God is doing in my life, and YOURS! God bless you, Heather.

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  13. Love this, Heather! An awesome reminder, and your photo shoot pictures are beautiful! The love between you two is so heart warming, but most importantly, God's love radiates through you both :-) Happy Good Friday and Easter!

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  14. Thank you sooooo much for this particular blog, Heather. My childhood and teenage years were full of issues that I carried with me into my 30s. I finally learned to let go and realize that God has more for me than dealing with a bunch of randoms. I was that girl looking for love in every wrong place. God bless you and your husband's ministries.

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  16. Great blog on randoms! I am happy this advice is available for myself and other people.

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  17. Loved this.....telling on myself abit but I'm experiencing an Immature Random at this time. I've been leaning more towards God and he tries to push me away from him....this message was right on point for me :)

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  18. I have def been there... But God... I had one random for five years and another random for 7. I just got tired of it one day.... Thank You.... I can totally understand and relate to this post.

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  19. Wow this post is inspiring. I wish I had this a few months ago to deal with the emotional void I was carrying about. Now I can only pray and hope that I get it right.

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  20. Wow. I am a random. And I have a random who is actually a combo of 4 of these. Gotta lot of work to do. I used to pray that God help fix my relationship. Now I know it was God who was endiing. Your will be done Father. Not my own.

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  21. I thank God for bringing me to this blog today. I needed to read this, even with tears in my eyes. I thank God for you

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  22. I am married to a random!!!!!!! Can there ever b deliverance for me, cos I realise that lately in the last one year, I am becoming more of a random myself........I've been so lonely.... When I read all these other comments, they sound all too good to be true! Then I wonder and tell myself I'm the only one in this deep shit.. I used to be a good girl but I made the ultimate wrong choice in marriage.. After having 3 kids I'm sad and disilluined... I've been dating my ex in the past few months.... And he' married as well.... How did I ever get here?????????

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    1. Hey lovely,
      Paul encourages us to be content in EVERY season of our life! Remember that when we're lonely, it's God drawing us back to His spirit. As God to refresh & renew your mindset & then take the steps to give your entire heart back to Him! Guard your heart-- find a local church (or continue to go to a good -word based church) do the Journal challenge on here-- spend a ton of time with Him. Get a bible that you can understand. HE will help you to change your perspective! HE LOVES YOU!

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  23. Hi Sister Heather,
    Thank you so much for sharing such awesome wisdom, I know that the Lord used you to speak to me through your blogs. 2 nights ago after reading this blog I realized I was dealing with a “1. Wrong timing Random” In this guy’s eyes I was just an option and I am now convinced that a Man that truly loves Jesus would never string me a long with empty words, a man that truly loves Jesus WOULD guard my heart. I completely gave this over to GOD and rededicated my commitment to the Lord, I was aware that our relationship was not where it should be, with that saying Jesus should of left me a long time ago lol but thanks to him he promised to never leave me nor forsake me : ) My eyes are now fully on Jesus and my main focus is my relationship with the Lord and not letting anything hinder the calling he has for me. If God has a husband for me I will know the One, I will have peace, and I have had zero peace with every guy that has come my way. I am also asking God to continually remove any resentment that I have towards this guy because out of this situation I walked away feeling used and unvalued and I know that bitterness can breed from that so I’m continually having to ask God to help me forgive and move on from the situation so that I can pray for him as a sister in Christ should do. I am super excited for this new relationship and walk with Christ, excited for my future, excited for whatever he has in store for my life whether that is a husband or not. Thank you again for this read it was so refreshing.
    PS. I’m joining you in your journal challenge, you are a blessing and I believe the Lord will use you greatly for his glory, you will be everything he has called you to be, sending blessings your way sis and THANK YOU AGAIN for sharing this read.
    -Your sister in Christ Margarita <3

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  24. I stumbled across your blog one day, and it has been sooooo encouraging!! It has truly motivated me to spend more time praying and reading my Bible, as well as becoming more consistent with journaling. I'm so thankful that God allowed me to discover your blog and ministry! :)

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  25. I'm so glad you wrote this article girl coz I've had randoms and its emotionally exhausting, on top of many others issues. But thank God for the truth (His truth) that liberates...

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  26. Hi I'm new to this blogging thing, but I am in a relationship and we have been dating for a year and 2 almost 3 months. We had sex before marriage, before we even had a title. But reading this post I can identify myself as a random and I can identify him as a random also, but I do feel that we can make it work. We both want to be married its just I want to be stronger in my walk with Christ. Even though we are both randoms, does that mean we can't be married? Should I end the relationship?

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  27. The Ex-Relationship Random spoke volumes to me bc that was. But I thank God for deliverance.

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  28. Could a random potentially be your real??? like what if you just attempted to awaken love at the wrong time??? for example, I'm letting this random go, completely cutting off & everything...what If God brings Him back...then whus up? lol...I ask because I don't feel like this is something God would do, but at the sametime...I was really into this particular random...smh would just love to hear your point of view!

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    1. God can bring things full circle but that should NEVER be our focus. I wanted to marry my ex-random but God had a better story for me. So let Him write it.

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    2. Thanks! will do!

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  29. I believe no random should mean, no random acts of sin on my part. Ppl are valuable to God. And they are to be loved with the love of the Lord. So leave them out if it. The question is, are my own behaviors lining up with the word of God? "No random acts of disobediance on MY part." after all, it does take two to tango.

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    1. A random IS the way a person is acting, not the person. We are not sin-- it's our actions that make our lives sinful. YES-- both people can be randoms. I def. used to be a random. It's not a mean thing.. we're just guarding our hearts. LOVE people. Hate sin.

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  30. Girl! I could not have said it better myself. Absolute truth! I can remember a few friendships in the past that I had bad feelings about, yet I held onto them or didn't want them to end. I wanted them to work out so badly that I would pray for God to mend them! But of course, if someone wants you in their life they will do what they can, and things will work out the way God wants them to. I'm realizing more and more that He ended those friendships for a reason, and it was all for the BEST! I thank Him for that, and I thank you for this blog post. As young women, we tend to let our emotions rule over us sometimes, and we need women like you to remind us that our emotions are not the determining factor. Continue to inspire women to be of Christ and listen to Him instead! Thank you! God bless!

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  31. I recently ended a relationship with a Critical Random. It's funny that you mentioned that this type of guy will want you to be a doctor. I AM a doctor. Nothing I did was ever good enough. The relationship did chip away greatly at my self-esteem.

    However, I knew that once I ended things, I would need to be more diligent in seeking God. However, I did start "dating" a guy who seemed really interesting but isn't Christian (he believes in God but not that Jesus is His Son and our Savior) and wanted husband benefits after a week of knowing each other. He made me out to be crazy for not wanting to hand myself out like a flyer being handed out on the street to just anyone passing by! I found your website just in time, during my journey via a Facebook friend-of-a-friend - see how God works? I love it!

    My Adam is out there, and I firmly believe that once I work on me, strengthening my relationship with God and living as He would have it, He will send him to me.

    No more randoms for this girl! Loving and trusting God just feels so good! Thank you Heather for being the vessel through whom God speaks to me.

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  32. GOD IS GOOD!!

    THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS WAS A BLESSING FOR ME!! The guy that i've been casually dating BUT wanting to be in a relationship is on this list and he fits the immature random to the tee, but i have turned this CASE TO THE ULTIMATE JUDGE/COURTHOUSE i will let God rule it out!! I'm praying because his only flaw is that he does not want to commit and i will not force him, I'll let God deal with his insecurities and past hurt!!

    Thank you Sis Heather i pray that God keeps you under his grace and mercy because i will honestly say you are the type of mentor i have been search for a long time!! God Bless you and your Husband and YOUR MINISTRY!!!

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  33. This is AMAZING. I am a girl currently in college and found all of this information very valuable and TRUE. Thank you for this amazing advice, it encourages me to seek Christ.

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  34. Love this blog! Always tried to figure things/guys out for myself...but always ended up hurt in the end because it was not what God desired for me to have. Now i am growing closer to Christ and im content with waiting on him! Thank you for this Heather. Truly an eye opener.

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  35. i have a question, can a person be more than one random or even mixed with these qualities???, i just broke up with my ex..like yesterday for good, and i just discovered i was the clingy random, thank you for this, this is opening my eyes for healing from God!!!??

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