Tuesday, February 14, 2012

We JUST broke up. Now what?!

IT'S OVER!



So.. the relationship finally came to an end. Your heart is broken, you're sad, frustrated and you did everything you knew to make the size 9 shoe fit into a size 6. So WHAT do you do now??! You may have broken up yesterday.. 6 months ago.. or 3 years ago but it still hurts DEEPLY.

I have BEEN there. It's not a happy feeling. Even if you know that "random" wasn't God's best for your life. So, hear me out for a few minutes through that empty feeling.

1. First question is the most important question. If you don't have this question settled, the others will mean NOTHING. Let's all be clear. So my question is-- "Are you a Christian?" This question is important because when you prayin' I want to make sure you're praying and getting your strength from the ONE & only Living God. Jesus died on the cross to heal our broken hearts and all of our pains and worries. (The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit- Psalms 34:18). So if you dont' have a relationship with Jesus, NOW is the time to get one. And don't feel bad-- if you read my other blog on my single life a BAD relationship is what brought me to Christ. I HIT rock bottom-- hardcore & felt like I had no purpose and had no value. I wanted so bad to fill that empty void in my heart with humans that could only be filled by Christ. So I can sit here & tell you to "Confess with your mouth & believe in your heart that Jesus died on the cross and you will be saved (Romans 10:9) AND this is true-- AND the believing in your heart will be demonstrated in your LIFESTYLE. So, give your heart to Jesus-- find a church that teaches the word correctly (not all that screaming, hollering or twisting of the scriptures), get a journal, spend time with God daily, (I just linked my blog on spending time with God) go on dates with Him, Learn Him-- then OBEY Him. Remember, that Jesus is your source for EVERYTHING. Filling your God-sized void with some other religion, purse or human aint gonna help you.

Ok..now that we're clear on that one.

2.  YOU HAVE TO GUARD YOUR HEART!!!!!!
(Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.- Proverbs 4:23)

If I could scream this from the rooftop--I would. After you have a breakup that you know wasn't God's best for your life--you've got to go get some GATES and surround them around your heart. If you're STRUGGLING with getting over him or her-- you dont' need to WATCH their life via facebook and twitter. Block them, delete them, change your phone number, remove them from skype, facetime or whatever else may tempt you to reach out to them. If you want to keep them around--you just don't want it bad enough. You still may have an inkling of hope that you guys will get back together. And you know what--you may? But that CANNOT be your focus. Your focus must always be CHRIST alone!! If God wants ya'll together, HE will press it so hard on your heart--you will feel like you're DISOBEYING Him by not working things out with that person. (Ya'll married folk understand). Give his or her clothes to a friend and have your friend give them to him or her. Don't try to pick up the phone & meet up, for what?! That's just going to allow more opportunities for .. additional unnecessary conversation. What a emotional waste. So if you're hanging out in the same groups-- pull BACK. After breaking off a really hard relationship when I was single--I had to NOT go out in groups for about 6 months to a year because I knew my ex would be there. At that time, I wasn't over him & we attended the same church. I was WORKING on something and I NEEDED to get whole.

3. Ok, we've settled that Jesus is Lord of our life.. and we're guarding our hearts. Now what? Now- YOU have to make sure that you're spending time with God daily. If you're not renewing your mind daily, you're going to end up with a new random. Different guy, same issue. Ephesians 4:23 tells us to "Be constantly renewed in the Spirit of your mind (having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude)." Remember that your emotions are very VURNABLE right now. You don't want to just rush into a new relationship. I used to do this too.. for YEARS. I can tell you, I ended up building my relationships on a foundation of more hurt.. and when the winds blew & the rain came (tests & trials of life)--it blew my little relationships down.. and more hurt built up.

4. STOP listening to that sad story music & certain TV shows. If a certain song brings some bad memories to your heart.. no matter HOW beautiful the singer can sing.. shut it down!! I remember I used to despise this one song that was me & my "exes" song while we dated. So when it came on.. I turned it, threw away the CD and I deleted it from my computer. I fought back. YOU have to as well.

5. Don't hang out with the messy friends. Yes. This is really important. It's important because YOU don't need any thing but LIFE spoken into your heart. So if she's talking about "getting" that guy because he got some money, or lets go to the club to get some ballers" or for men- if they wanna go "go to the strip club to get your mind off things"-- THEY shouldn't be your FRIEND. A FRIEND PUSHES YOU TOWARDS CHRIST NOT AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't care how long ya'll been friends.

6. As I said before, this time is very delicate. Satan is after your mindset. If he knows that he can have your mindset all messed up he can get you out of the way and you'll be ineffective for Christ. Write up some confessions. Look up scriptures on Trusting God & your Mindset. Just google them. You'll find a ton. Meditate on them, write them on note-cards. Study 2 Corinthians 10:5. Capture those stupid thoughts & make them obey Christ.

7. What about his or her family? Ok, so you broke up with him/her but you're close with their family? Well, you're working on something. Explain to them that you need some space and that YOU connect them to HIM/HER, no matter how you flip it. Guard your heart.

8. Speak life. Don't go bashing him or her. You thought they were all that at some point. No blame gaming. Let God seek revenge. You don't need to. GOD is clear--  “Vengeance is mine; I will repay.” And again, “The Lord will judge his people.” Hebrews 10:30. SHUT that pride down that feels like it has to defend itself.

9. No shopping sprees or any HUGE decision. Whenever we break things off we want to do something dramatic like cut our hair or move to another state. NEVER make a big decision when your emotions are on a high like that. Make sure you're being God-led. Yourn geographic location is IMPORTANT.

10. Finally, no after-friends with benefits sex. Yeah, I had to put this in there. Even though you're a Christian and all that-- I know. I've talked about this before.. Oxytocin is a BONDING hormone that will CONTINUE to bond you to an unhealthy relationship & additional soul & physical ties!! So if you wonder why you cannot get over them, it's because you keep bonding yourself to them. THIS hormone is supposed to be released in a God-centered marriage. NOT with a random that bonds himself to anyone with a booty. So, LOVE yourself enough to say NO & STOP!!!!!!!! It's not worth it! Your body is NOT YOURS! It belongs to CHRIST!! You're just a manager! And if you keep having sex with him to get him to stay with you--let me tell you the truth, he's having sex with other chicks too and they think the same thing. He sure can't marry all of ya'll. Be free. And I pray right now that in the name of Jesus that EVERY soul and physical tie is BROKEN right now.

So dont' go back.

God loves you like CRAZY and has someone GREAT for you.

Will you get alone long enough for Him to show you or will you run to another boyfriend or girlfriend when He tries to show Himself to you?

Be whole.

Heather Lindsey

42 comments:

  1. Girl, preach it!! This is something I wish every girl on earth could read. So right! Happy V-day! Hope it's a great one! :)

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  2. WOW.....This was amazing sis! So true and straight to the point!

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  3. Awesome post!! You hit every point! I love it!

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  4. OMG! I made all of the mistakes listed above! I needed this nine months ago! I am so far from that place now and it is wonderful. I would most definitely recommend this than doing what I did. It took me way longer than I needed to get over my ex because I kept running back, sleeping with him, answering his calls, etc. BUT God found me, pulled me back, and got me back on track. I would rather have you ladies just take the right track from the get go. LOVE THIS, Heather! You are always a blessing!

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    1. Awesome, KUDOS to you!

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  5. I feel like you've been reading my journal every time I read your posts, lol. Thanks for these on time words of wisdom. God Bless!

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  6. I feel like you posted this just for me. God really needed to get to me and I am so happy He used you. I was at #3 and I am looking forward to falling deeply with the one who died for me. No settling for anything but God's best.

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  7. Thank you so much for this post Heather! I was really struggling today and fell off into this back and forth shenanigans with my ex. Remember I sent you an email regarding it? But, yes, I needed this and I will definitely refer back to this message to use it as a guide to get back on track. Thank you my sister in Christ for allowing God to speak through you!

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  8. This was so good. Thank you for your post! Be Blessed my sister.

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  9. It's always a pleasure reading your BLOGS Mrs. Lindsey.. This has definitely put a few things in perspective for me... (for friends I know needing to hear this)

    oh, and thanks for responding back to my message on Facebook. #Confirmation(;


    -Maverick<3

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  10. So, what if I just broke up with the guy i used to date but now I attend the school that he goes too even though i was originally supposed to go there first. I want to heal too. Should i transfer?

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  11. Hey love!
    I dated a guy I went to church with and I didn't leave the church when we broke up--but I did keep my distance. :) I made sure I didn't go to the places that I knew he would be at until I was ok with it. More than anything--go with your peace and what God tells you to do!

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  12. Hi Heather! I agree with everything in this blog. Was in. 6 yr relationship, planning a wedding and he was a man of God. Obviously that wasn't my husband. The hairdos thing is to turn off the music that reminds me of him, alot of it is gospel music. We listened to it together, joined the church together and grew up spiritually together.

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  13. GOD BLESS you Mr. Heather Lindsey for obeying GOd by creating this blog, I am praying to GOd that I can be patient and wait for HIs best. Im a tad bit interested in this one guy(we have known each other since pre-k) but he goes to college in another city. We text alot but Im keeping it simply because I refuse to be with anyone who GOD didnt ordain me to be with. Many people try to get me to go on dates(always the unsaved people who try to hook me up on dates smh lol) and I tell them that I don't want to. I know Christ said its not good for man to be alone and my time will COME when HE is ready. I am learning to be patient because I've wasted my time with too many fools and I refuse to settle for less! Be encouraged women of God and seek God while He may be found! :)

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  14. This was a great blog that myself and so many people can relate to. Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement.I def took some notes and will be spending time with GOD more than i am.

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  15. And on that note, what I've learned (painfully) is once broken up..STAY broken up. I have one ex that I've broken up with and gotten back together with at least a dozen times! Each time after a few weeks or a month, he comes back professing how much he misses me and that he's changed. And then usually within a week or two we're back in the same fight. You guys pray for me that I stay FREE! I don't know when, but I know sure as the sun rises and sets he'll be back with the same old tune. Thanks for your blog; very encouraging!

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    1. I used to be in this viscious cycle that I call the merry-go-round. I started praying that God would give me an out. That he would provide me with many ah ha! moments that would help me break free of the bondage. The more I asked, the more he answered.

      It reminds me of the verse Proverbs 26:11: 11 As a dog returns to its vomit . . .

      We women need to know that we're worth more than the break up/get back together routine. When we put a value on ourselves like our Heavenly father puts on us, we desire more for our lives and know that it's possible. : ) Praying for you.

      Vonae Deyshawn
      www.myvirtueplace.com

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  16. Gosh, I love you Heather! This Blog post was awesome, and I thank God that I can relate to patiently waiting. I've had my heart broken once by a young man that I thought might be the one, but God has allowed that situation to grow me tremendously in the spirit. I praise and thank God that I have not developed any soul ties. My heart is still trying to heal from that situation, as emotional purity can be just as important as physical purity. I now know that guarding your heart is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT, and what God has for me will be for me:) With awesome examples such as you and my sister(to name a few), I'm so excited to stay in the will of God. NOt just excited about one day being married and being found by my Godly prince, but excited about being a soldier in the Lord's army!!! God is good, and he is and will always be my FIRST love.No greater love can be shown than the Love Christ displayed as he died for us.God bless you heather. Hope you have a wonderful day sis <3

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  17. Awesome! Very well written and totally on point!

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  18. Another great article Heather. I love the shirt as well, very cute. I think one other thing that could be added is to know your own value. A lot of women go from relationship to relationship because they're trying to find their worth in men. I know I was guilty of this. I actually recently wrote about it.

    http://pieceofvirtue.blogspot.com/2012/01/know-your-worth.html

    I found from teenage girls, women in their 20's and 30's and even women my mom's age needed to hear that message. I hope you'll find it worth while. : )

    Keep writing and sharing the wisdom God has given you.

    Vonae Deyshawn
    www.myvirtueplace.com

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  19. This post had me in tears but it was something I needed to read! This is a battle I face every day, I’m not Christian and I think tats why God isn’t listening or maybe it’s me that’s not following his subtle direction, either way this post surely made me stop and think. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Hi Kira,
      If you want to be a Christian-- let's discuss! askheatherlove@gmail.com There's nothing like a relationship with Jesus. He desires to fill your every need & He loves you dearly & HAS a great plan for your life that includes eternity. <3

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  20. i just wanted to say thank you heather! i stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago and i know that that was completely God's design because you have blessed me through a lot of your posts...ESPECIALLY this one! it's almost been a year since my breakup and it still hurts. soul ties are tremendously hard to move through ...but your God centered advice is right on point and even if not brand new news...sometimes, we need to just hear it from someone else in a different format to solidify the message. so i thank you! thank you for allowing Him to use you!
    (sidenote - i think you might be the same heather who used to work with deidre? that's my cousin and she's mentioned you on numerous occasions and your story of your hubby makes me think you might be the same woman. thank you for sharing your walk with the world. God is AMAZING!! and you are a true encouragement :-))

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    1. OMG! Shut up! You're deidre's cousin?! I LOVE Deidre!!!! She was my boss for years & she'll always have a special place in my heart! And PRAISE God for your story. So grateful that God used it to encourage you! Looking forward to keeping in touch and if you see Deidre, tell her I said hi & I miss her!!

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  21. I LOVE THIS!!! RIGHT ON TIME!!! SUCH A BLESSING! THANKS FOR SHARING :-)!

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  22. Hey Heather, I love this post! I was wondering could you do a blog post on Becoming Whole? How do you know when you have become whole? How do you know if your not whole?
    I do believe I am really struggling in this area. I hope you can help! Thanks for everything!

    CIndy

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  23. God was very enriching in this blog. God really moved in the power of prayer! And with agreement, I to believe!

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  24. Wow, praise God he's awesome....all makes sense now. But where do you start? How do you start to heal?

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  25. I really enjoyed reading your blogs. My first time here. I have a question though. What do you prefer one do when they have broken up but a child/children are involved? I asked this because I get the whole break all communication part. But when their are young child/children involved who can't speak for themselves it's way harder. I try to drown myself with the word & it's still something hard to do.

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  26. Hey Heather! This totally blessed me just now.. I finally listened to the Lord and walked away from a relationship I never should have been involved in. I have the same problem as "Anonymous" though - we have a daughter. At this point, I'm letting her choose whether she wants to see her dad or not. She's almost four... I want to guard my heart and I'm struggling with how to do that while I have to deal with "visits" and his family.

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  27. Hey Heather , reading this post really blessed me. Cause at this time in my life i am actually going through this phase. Reading this actually bought tears to my eyes. thank you for posting this. God Bless You

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  28. This is amazing. I was pretty sure i was up to date with your blog, but somehow, i missed this one. And just as i was thinking i need to find someone to talk to that could help me with moving on, i come here and see this! God is just amazing. I think my major problem is not being able to let go. I did cut him off but his number's fried into my brain so i reached out again. Embarrasing i know. But as i was praying just last weekend, i heard God telling me to burn that bridge.
    I'm still hurting, but i trust that God knows His best for me and i'll keep spending time with him and trusting him. Thanks so much Heather.

    ps, for anyone who's close enough to my story, it's about 10 months since the break up.You're not alone. much love

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  29. wow, thanks for referring me to this blog Heather!!! I will do my best to do all of these things b/c i'm ready to wait for what God has in store for me. Thank you!!! :O)

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  30. Hi Heather,
    I'm the girl that wrote about being unequally yoked with her baby's father and deciding to do the right thing and stop pre marital sex and cohabitating. After letting him know about my decision ( inwhich I made with God's guidence and not the boyfriend) He reacted angry and just saying im going way beyond with it and so random with it. He just asked what days will he get to see his daughter. That was it. So you say.. after breaking up cut all ties with the guy. My question is what if he's the father of your child and you cant completely cut ties with him or his family. ( I love his mom and she is my daughter's care tajer while we are both at work )He lives with his mother and therefore I have to see them everyday. Even though we are unequally yoked, we have to have a good relationship for our child. Can you please give me your input? The mindframe of alot of people including family is you had a baby together so therefore try and work it out.

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  31. Heather, will you blog about your date nights with Jesus?

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  32. Amen , this is so right on time,ay GOD increase you in HIS wisdom and strength to share HIS truth with HIS children, I am so blessed by all your blogs.

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  33. You are so gifted. Thank you so much for this! You are an amazing sister in Christ. I hope I get to meet you one day!

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  34. Dear Heather, I just broke up with a guy and here is my problem- I can't stop thinking that maybe we were meant to be together? and that he was God's choice for me. But I didn't feel it when we were together. I can't be sure if he is saved, obviously he says he's a Christian but I don't see any fruits in his life. In fact, it is very worldly. He never wanted to talk about God and Bible (he said it's his private thing). What's more, we kept on having sex outside of marriage.We both had really big problems with self- control. He was pushing me away from God, so I decided that I must break up- my relationship with God was getting worse. And I wasn't sure if he really thinks about marrying me in future.There were times when I felt like his toy. What can I do now to stop thinking that he was meant to be my husband?

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