(my single days-- 2007!)
Soo, a few of you have asked me about my story and although I've touched on it-- I've never blogged about it. So I want to tell you more about myself so you can understand my perspective when I talk about dating, courting and relationships. Let me be clear with you all.. I was a HOT mess when I was single. I'm not going to try to cover that up. You may hear my story now & say.. wow! She didn't believe in kissing before she got married-- so I'm sure she was always like that. ... Please. So here's my story.
So, I was adopted at the age of 5 months by a Caucasian family. My birth mother (who was mexican/german) and my father (who was african american) didn't think that my mother could get pregnant. Then.. while she was in college--she found out that she was pregnant. Thank God that she decided against abortion. She took the unselfish route & gave me an opportunity at life. So as soon as my birth mother gave birth to me, she gave me to a foster home right away. I know that had to be HARD for her. I couldn't imagine.
My foster mother didn't believe in fat babies, so she fed me 3 bottles a day--one for breakfast, lunch and dinner--so as a growing baby I cried! With all of my crying, she thought that I had Cerebral Palsy. Back then, (1982) they didn't have the tests they have now. There were two families that were looking to adopt me--but the foster family gave the African American family the first opportunity..because they were black. The African American family came to meet me and my foster family explained to them that I may have Cerebral Palsy because I cried all the time & because I was stiff. They passed on me & took an African American boy with severe allergies .. THEN, my mother & father came to look at me & said I WANT her! I don't care what's wrong with her! I will take her! My mother told me that when they called her she picked my older sister up, Kristi & danced with her in excitement. How amazing is that? I was adopted, set apart & chosen by a family. Makes me think of my relationship with Jesus. We were all LOST and without hope..and He died for us so that we may be adopted into His family. We are set apart as Christians. Chosen. Whew.
Jr high- High School
So I went to an all-white school and me and one other person were the only people of color. I felt so rejected. I never felt pretty enough. I would put super perms in my hair to make it straighter because I thought super meant straighter. I was on a full blown out mission.. to be beautiful. My nose seemed huge so I would dust brown eye shadow on the sides of my nose to make it appear smaller. I hated my "beauty" mark above my lip so I would try to cover it up with makeup. Guys didn't ask me out-- so when someone DID give me attention, I just settled for whoever because it felt good to be wanted.
I grew up in a Christan church. But personally, I didn't learn that I wasn't supposed to not have sex outside of marriage. The church was awesome with volunteering but I didn't learn how .. to live a life of pure worship to Jesus with my heart. My mama told me if I'm going to have sex-- get on birth control. So I did. So pretty much, at this point-- I had soul ties, emotional and physical ties, was jealous, insecure, rejected & confused.
Here is where my hot-messness furthered. So now I'm in college and ALL these guys are giving me attention. It was super surprising to me because I had always viewed myself as ugly. I never hung out with African Americans so I thought that I had to "be like" them to get them to like me. Who knows what that meant? I honestly thought black women were mean. Dont' judge me. I grew up much differently. My mom had ALWAYS taught us that WE are all equal & our skin color has nothing to do with it... But some of the girls I met when I first went to college were SO mean to me for NO reason and I was so chipper & nice. lol. Nonetheless, I started getting my crew together & met a ton of friends from all races. I also learned that I cannot take a couple bad apples & generalize a whole race. (Hey, I was 17 at the time. What do you expect?)
I hated to be single. Dating guys gave me a feeling of completion. .. still wasn't a christian even though I "grew" up as one. I couldn't rock that title because I didn't live like it. I lived for myself & my emotions.
In college, I started dating this guy. Our relationship was a hot mess. This guy cheated on me with everything that moved. I stayed in the relationship because.. I "loved" him. Although I didn't know what love was. I didn't know the Author of Love, so thus--I couldn't give what I never knew or understood. The relationship was built on a foundation of self & lies. It was rough and very distracting. Then, we hit rock bottom. The relationship got really bad. So we broke up and I felt abandoned & lost. I knew if I jumped into another relationship that I would only make things worse & then continued to feel God tugging at my heart. I knew that HE wanted all of me. Even as a full blown sinner without Christ, I knew that Jesus had a plan for my life and that He talked to me. So, I went to a church service and I gave my life to Christ in 2003.. fo' real. I went to the Christian bible store & I looked at almost EVERY bible until I found one that I could read. -- I ended up purchasing the Students Life Application bible & I LOVED it. Then, I got a journal & a couple worship CD's.
Then, I started spending time with God every morning. Look, I aint' saying its right-- it's WRONG but even in my sin when I would stay the night with my new little boyfriends & I would still wake up, pray in the Holy Spirit, read my bible & study AND take my tail to church. It actually confused my ex boyfriends that I was so determined to go spend time with Jesus. lol. I STILL had date night with Jesus. I still counseled others. I still did all I knew to do as I was pressing towards Christ. I wasn't perfect. I was and AM a hot mess. I am so broken without Christ. I knew that God was changing me into His image & I had such a fire in my belly for Christ. This whole thing.. was a huge process for me.
Please hear me out.. MEN were a stronghold for me for YEARS. It was so hard for me NOT to be in a relationship. Even with my date nights with Jesus and everything.. I still struggled with being ok with being alone. I searched all over looking to place my value in people, things, money, purses & the way I looked and I came up EMPTY. In 2005 I read " I kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris & I heard about a story of a couple that waited to kiss until their wedding day & .. it's what I wanted. Even in the midst of not being a virgin & falling over & over.. I still wanted that deep down. I wanted to be valued and to be important to someone. I was tired of guys wanting to eventually have sex with me after "dating" for a few months. I wanted God's best but I just didn't know how to find it. I didn't know what it looked like. Throughout all of this time, the Lord was pulling on my heart.. "my daughter, dont' place your trust in humans, they are as frail as breath, don't go back into that room with your "boyfriend"--he hasn't paid the price for you-- I have", there's no profit in going back to that ex-- it's destructive." I would have dreams with my exes in the dreams where we'd be crashing into the water & drowning or I'd be attacked by demons after coming from their house in the dreams. It was crazy. God used EVERY avenue to show me.
Throughout this entire time, I continued to go to church, pray, study, read my bible.. etc. Then one day, I got SICK and tired of having one foot in the world & ONE foot in the kingdom of God. So I broke it off with my random. Was it hard? Well, yeah--but at this point, I had this relentless determination to live for Christ. I just knew that my CURRENT relationships at that time weren't God's best for my life. They were DITCHES and not bridges. GOD was pulling on my heart & I had no peace with them. I didn't know who I was going to marry but at that point it didn't matter. I would have RATHER been by myself for 10 years then to date another random.
So I went to the Lord and said.. finally. Daddy, you are all I need. I'm so content in you. With tears in my eyes, I poured out to Him. All of my hurt, my pain, my soul ties, my sadness, my rejection, and fears. I laid them at His feet and from that day forward-- I started worshipping Jesus with my life.
I was still getting tested with randoms wanting to date me or go out with me. It was almost like an email blast when out when I got single so guys from ALL over started asking me out. I turned them all down. Nothing could compare to the wholeness... I finally found in Christ alone. After some time passed, and many more tests.. I met my now husband. He walked by me for 3 years at church and the most we said was "hello." Within 20 minutes of talking to each other--we knew that we had met our one-day spouses. There was no question. God's TIMING is PERFECT. I wasn't ready those 3 years.. I just wasn't. But when we met on January 4th 2009, it was the right TIME. Oddly enough, that very day--an ex reached out to me to "get together" but I turned him down. Thank God I did.
After a TON of developing EMOTIONALLY and after my husband going in & plucking out most of the crap that was in my heart from the past randoms--(like being spoiled, manipulating guys, being emotional, etc). He proposed to me 1 year after we started courting. 8 months later.. we got married and kissed for the first time on our wedding day.
This wasn't no fairytale. This was WORK. But the same work the Lord did in me.. He can and will do you in you. So don't give up. Not now, not ever. There was so many times were I felt so alone & so not valued--thinking that "no guy will ever value or respect me"--but I HAD FINALLY get whole & VALUE myself before I expected a man to. You have to understand-- the CARES of this world.. and the temptations will NEVER EVER EVER EVER outweigh God's goodness! HIS ways are perfect!! So let go of the LITTLE that is in your HAND and give your WHOLE life to HIM right now.
If I could scream from the rooftops & show you ANYTHING.. it's to STOP wasting your time. Granted, I still spent time with God through my mess but I didnt' have anyone TELLING me nothing. I was my OWN mentor & it was the blind leading the blind. I don't regret dating my exes. I regret wasting valuable time that could be spent giving my whole heart to Jesus as a single.
And if you haven't joined the pinky promise movement.. Join us. Check out my blog on it here. What is pinky promise? It's a promise to honor God with your body & your life. It was birthed just a couple weeks ago & there's over 1,000 people that joined the movement. Lets go! http://heatherllindsey.blogspot.com/2012/01/pinky-promise-no-randoms-bracelets-are.html
God loves you like crazy,
(me & my best friends) :)